Mommy,you are a STUD!!!

Timeline: March 1995
Venue: New-Delhi
It was exam time for me and sis. Mummy was suffering from insomnia then. She was under treatment for it from a neurologist. But on one of the nights, she was hyperactive; refusing to sleep herself nor allowing anybody else to sleep. We knew something was wrong, But what it was, nobody had a clue!!! She was absolutely fine until a few days back. She was taken to a hospital the next day where the doctors diagonsied her with bipolar disorder.

Bipolar disorder by one of the definitions that i found on the net is 'a major affective disorder in which an individual alternates between states of deep depression and extreme elation.'

It was the first time that I had heard of the word depression then. Of course I was too young to understand the word depression then. Nor did I have access to internet then. What I did know was that the next morning, Mommy refused to recognise me nor my sis. I do not remember if I cried. I guess I was just too young to realise what was going on. I remember being told by my aunt, who had come from mumbai that if someone enquires about mom, Just tell them its High B.P.

Depression and a visit to a psychiatrist were absloute subjects of taboo. Something to be spoken in a hush-hush tone.

Anyways, It took close to 9 months before mom got any resemblance of her old self physically (she had lost a lot of wieght in this period) as well as pyschologically. There was a lot of resistance from mom herself on the compulsory visits to the psychiatrist.

Mom was to be under the constant supervision of a psychiatrist and pills for the rest of her life, It was clear to us.

By now, I had done a lot of my own research on the inernet and came across something, which still gives me goosebumps: 'Bipolar disorder is a lifelong medical condition that can be confusing and unpredictable.'

All was fine for the most of the next 8 years. Until......

Timeline: January 2004
Venue: Bangalore
It was exam time for me again, My 7th semester exams. (Sis was married and in US, she had flown in december 2003 for her delivery in march). Mommy was suffering from insomnia again. It was the first day of the exam and I saw mom in the kitchen at 5:30 AM. I knew, It was BACK!!!

This time, I cried. I used to cry like a baby, never in front of mum though. My exam schedules were streched over the next 15-17 days, perhaps the darkest days of my life. Sis was kept out of it as much as possible due to her pregnancy. It was left to me and dad to salvage the situation. Everyday though before leaving to the college, i had only one wish on my lips. I prayed to GOD that mum dies as soon as possible. TODAY, if possible, I used to wish. Why did you make her my mommy, why not somebody else, I used to ask GOD. I had to feed mommy, me and dad had to take her to the loo and I had to put her to sleep, before I would get to my studies. Thinking about it gives me jitters even now.

Manic-depression distorts moods and thoughts, incites dreadful behaviors, destroys the basis of rational thought, and too often erodes the desire and will to live. It is an illness that is biological in its origins, yet one that feels psychological in the experience of it; an illness that is unique in conferring advantage and pleasure, yet one that brings in its wake almost unendurable suffering and, not infrequently, suicide, reports an article in the National Institutes of Mental Health (NIMH).

I knew this was the state of mind of my mother. Looking back, somehow it is from that pain that we derived the strength to handle the situation, to believe in faith rather than fate. There was a lot of change though in the attitude of everyone involved from the first episode. Mommy herself was more entusiastic to make sure that the visits to the doctor were on schedule. More than us, she beileved that she had to fine, for herself, for all of us.Mommy being mommy bounced out of it!!! To have been in a situation that most of us cannot even comprehend or begin to imagine, and to attempt and lead a normal life reprsents the stuff that my mommy is made of.

Mommy you truly are a STUD!!!!!

Just to make sure that this article does not end on a depressing note, let me add a few things:

I cleared my exams with a distinction, an exam which i had decided to skip midway, and Sis gave birth to a beautiful baby girl in march 2004. :)

A few add-ons:

By the year 2020, depression is projected to reach 2nd place of the ranking of DALYs calcuated for all ages, both sexes. Today, depression is already the 2nd cause of DALYs in the age category 15-44 years for both sexes combined, reports the official website of the WHO.

Blogger Rashmi Bansal's article on depression, speaks of how she came back out fighting of deression.

Depression as a disease is still at a pre nsacent stage when it comes to awareness, I feel. Reminds me of the movie 'My brother Nikhil', wherein the protogansit played by Sanjay Suri is victimsed and sent to a mental institution after he is diasgonised with AIDS. That was supposed to a a true story based in the realy 1980's. Yet today, there is so much awareness about AIDS (atleast in urban areas)...... A similar campaign needs to be driven for depression too wherin patients are advised to seek medical counsel once the symptoms are rightly identified.

When I tried to restrict my google search on bipolar disorder to ‘pages from India’, the number of the search results as well as the quality of the links was pathetic. Certainly more needs to be done in order to bring about awareness about the issue and more than that people need to be more open minded about the disease. Depression is not a character flaw or a sign of personal weakness. It’s a disease, meant to treated like any other.